With a title like that anyone would think I couldn’t wait to see the back of 2015. It’s kind of true that part of me was looking forward to a new year and today I found myself reflecting back over the year remembering the climaxes and anti-climaxes of 2015. There weren’t a lot of climaxes, unfortunately there were many challenges and that was a reminder in itself that I am survivor in this high-pressure and somewhat dysfunctional world. The peaks and troughs were immense and it was sometimes hard to be consistent inside my mind, but if I walk away from 2015 without learning a lesson or two then there is something seriously blind about my journey on this earth. I’ve had 3 majors this year that have been significant in my life and 3 I want to recognise, accept, put into my life toolbox and walk into 2016 with a fresh outlook.
A year ago I returned home from a year in the UK, ah-hem…I ran home, back to my comfort zone, because being in a new country in a normal relationship freaked the shit out of me and I fought every single minute of it to make sure it didn’t work. I was a shit and continued to be a shit back here in NZ for 2015. I made some dumb decisions and then some more that looked dumb, but underneath their dark appearance they had some healing in store for me. For example I healed a long term dysfunctional relationship with my father, it took up 9 months of 2015 and showed me that a life lived with hurtful and toxic behaviour everyday is not a ‘life well-lived’. Behaviour that will never change, a life with no love for the people closest to him. So during 9 brutal months of misery disguised as healing for us we reached common ground and parted ways with an unspoken love and new understanding that we are both free from each others hurts now. Life is full of instances that present mirror images of yourself and I recognised that same toxic behaviour and hurt was present in my life too. I acknowledge it, I accept that I am not an amazing person and although it’s not a full recovery yet, there has certainly been growth for me and I’m working on being a kinder more gentle person daily. I’m surrounding myself with good people who make me feel good about myself and I can give them love and friendship also.
I somehow try to juggle a relationship with my daughter here in NZ and Mr Darcy in the UK and that has often shown signs of stress and decay throughout the year. I have a close relationship with my daughter and a distant and fractured one with Mr Darcy. Some would ask (actually many ask) why am I still clinging onto this? They are both my best friends who know me so well, they’ve seen it all and I love them both, but I often wonder how many balls in the air should I really be trying to juggle. After all I seem to be the only one juggling these balls while they are just sitting and watching. This is the one major that is not closed in my life just yet, I’m still trying to work this one out, but it will be worked out, one way or another this year, I promise. It’s a promise I make to myself. That being said, I have learnt this year to look after me and not let others control me and my own thoughts for their personal happiness, which happened way too often in 2014 and 15. I have plans for me this year that fill my tank and it’s exciting.
Lastly was my health and wellbeing. Given the challenges I really struggled to be on top of my wellbeing. I gained 10kg in the UK and have battled to find some sort of rhythm to get myself back on track with health and fitness. My self-esteem and confidence suffered which left me down a lot of the time. Finally in October I joined a boot camp for females and have been smashing some goals in this area. I haven’t lost any weight, but I am a lot stronger and I am more confident and feeling so much better. I was even awarded the most improved boot camper for the season, which was a wonderful surprise. If anywhere I wanted to succeed this year, it was here. I’ve joined for another season and looking forward to smashing some more goals with an amazing bunch of like-minded females. Exercise is definitely proof that it is the antidote to better mental health.
So it’s been a challenging year, but there have been some hidden rewards for me to tuck into my life experience belt. Good ol’ life lessons and awareness, sometimes living life aware is a curse and it’s felt like a curse for a long time now, but I am hopeful that 2016 will be a rewarding one.
My goals this year?
Relationships are difficult for me and I would like that to sort itself out this year with Mr Darcy, is it there or not there? I am going to put more energy into this relationship this year.
I have made some big travel plans for myself this year and they’re exciting, but they also make me nervous as I will be jumping out of that comfort zone again, but this time with a parachute, faith and prior experience.
It’s my life now and mine to take ownership of.