Welcome 2016 – nice to see you…finally.

With a title like that anyone would think I couldn’t wait to see the back of 2015. It’s kind of true that part of me was looking forward to a new year and today I found myself reflecting back over the year remembering the climaxes and anti-climaxes of 2015. There weren’t a lot of climaxes, unfortunately there were many challenges and that was a reminder in itself that I am survivor in this high-pressure and somewhat dysfunctional world. The peaks and troughs were immense and it was sometimes hard to be consistent inside my mind, but if I walk away from 2015 without learning a lesson or two then there is something seriously blind about my journey on this earth. I’ve had 3 majors this year that have been significant in my life and 3 I want to recognise, accept, put into my life toolbox and walk into 2016 with a fresh outlook.

A year ago I returned home from a year in the UK, ah-hem…I ran home, back to my comfort zone, because being in a new country in a normal relationship freaked the shit out of me and I fought every single minute of it to make sure it didn’t work. I was a shit and continued to be a shit back here in NZ for 2015. I made some dumb decisions and then some more that looked dumb, but underneath their dark appearance they had some healing in store for me. For example I healed a long term dysfunctional relationship with my father, it took up 9 months of 2015 and showed me that a life lived with hurtful and toxic behaviour everyday is not a ‘life well-lived’. Behaviour that will never change, a life with no love for the people closest to him. So during 9 brutal months of misery disguised as healing for us we reached common ground and parted ways with an unspoken love and new understanding that we are both free from each others hurts now. Life is full of instances that present mirror images of yourself and I recognised that same toxic behaviour and hurt was present in my life too. I acknowledge it, I accept that I am not an amazing person and although it’s not a full recovery yet, there has certainly been growth for me and I’m working on being a kinder more gentle person daily. I’m surrounding myself with good people who make me feel good about myself and I can give them love and friendship also.

I somehow try to juggle a relationship with my daughter here in NZ and Mr Darcy in the UK and that has often shown signs of stress and decay throughout the year. I have a close relationship with my daughter and a distant and fractured one with Mr Darcy. Some would ask (actually many ask) why am I still clinging onto this? They are both my best friends who know me so well, they’ve seen it all and I love them both, but I often wonder how many balls in the air should I really be trying to juggle. After all I seem to be the only one juggling these balls while they are just sitting and watching. This is the one major that is not closed in my life just yet, I’m still trying to work this one out, but it will be worked out, one way or another this year, I promise. It’s a promise I make to myself. That being said, I have learnt this year to look after me and not let others control me and my own thoughts for their personal happiness, which happened way too often in 2014 and 15. I have plans for me this year that fill my tank and it’s exciting.

Lastly was my health and wellbeing. Given the challenges I really struggled to be on top of my wellbeing. I gained 10kg in the UK and have battled to find some sort of rhythm to get myself back on track with health and fitness. My self-esteem and confidence suffered which left me down a lot of the time. Finally in October I joined a boot camp for females and have been smashing some goals in this area. I haven’t lost any weight, but I am a lot stronger and I am more confident and feeling so much better. I was even awarded the most improved boot camper for the season, which was a wonderful surprise. If anywhere I wanted to succeed this year, it was here. I’ve joined for another season and looking forward to smashing some more goals with an amazing bunch of like-minded females. Exercise is definitely proof that it is the antidote to better mental health.

So it’s been a challenging year, but there have been some hidden rewards for me to tuck into my life experience belt. Good ol’ life lessons and awareness, sometimes living life aware is a curse and it’s felt like a curse  for a long time now, but I am hopeful that 2016 will be a rewarding one.

My goals this year?

Relationships are difficult for me and I would like that to sort itself out this year with Mr Darcy, is it there or not there? I am going to put more energy into this relationship this year.

I have made some big travel plans for myself this year and they’re exciting, but they also make me nervous as I will be jumping out of that comfort zone again, but this time with a parachute, faith and prior experience.

It’s my life now and mine to take ownership of.

Words for a Beautiful Friend

The last few days have been a bit rough on me. My daily kriya and yoga practice had to take a sideline (there went my 60 day sadhana) as I came down quite ill. The pain was excruciating on my right side and I suspected my gallbladder was not happy chappy. As I have a high pain threshold and wasn’t sure really what the pain level was and being one not to self diagnose I became concerned, so at 5.30am yesterday I got myself in order to head to the after hours hospital. Thankfully it was empty in the waiting room and I was taken immediately by nurses who pampered and prodded me. I was shocked to be given morphine for the pain, not being a sickly person it was my first time and it seemed rather extreme. But it sure did help! Waited for the ultrasound at 8am and then a diagnosis from the doctor. My internal organs were completely clear of anything so at 11am we (mum) left and the diagnosis was a tummy bug with bowel spasms. So home to bed and man did I want to sleep.

There’s another reason why I attend to these niggles these days. Yes the big scary ‘C’ word that is becoming more and more common in our world. One of my closest friends ignored her niggles for a year and then she was diagnosed in March 2012. She is 35, one year younger than me. She lives in Australia and I have been visiting her twice a year. She has a gorgeous wee daughter who is nearly 2 years old and she married her partner of 4 years at Christmas time, for which I was maid of honour. It was so beautiful, everything encapsulated their love that day.

Wedding Pic

Yes that’s me with the dreamy ‘I’m so happy for you’ look on my face.

Often I put myself in her shoes and the fight she has had to undertake, the decisions she has had to make, the fear she has to face. It breaks my heart and I wonder if I was faced with this would I cope as well as her. I am sure a lot of the time she doesn’t cope and she has an awful lot on her mind. My last trip to see her was really hard, cancer was not just sucking the life out of her, but also out of her family, there was darkness surrounding the home and I felt it take me in and when I left to head home I felt really depressed and mixed up. It took me some time to get my thoughts and feelings back together.

Everyday I send her love and hope. I send strength to her family.

In the year she has been diagnosed she has had her dream wedding, had a family holiday with extended family, had a beautiful honeymoon in the Whitsundays and they are now building a new home so her daughter can live a quality life. I am so proud of her and her courage on this battle to not only try to save her life, but to live her life to the fullest and to love her family with all her heart.

My friend is losing her battle 😦 She has been given a very small time frame now. I was told last week. Two of our friends are heading over tomorrow to see her for five days. I am looking for flights and some time off to go as well. I have been speaking with her on the phone and we have a strong friendship because we are past the “be strong, keep fighting”, “you’ll win” talks. She has stopped her chemo and she is breaking down, so our talks are very frank and she tells me appreciates this, because she lives a real life and what is happening to her is real. I live life real as well, I am honest.

So we talk about love, we talk about death, we talk about her thoughts on the other side, we talk about her partner grieving and her daughter growing up without her mum, we talk about the videos and books she is currently making her daughter and we talk about her husband having a future partner one day. We even talked about her funeral which was a really hard conversation.

I am going to miss her so much

Why did I choose to write about her? Because she rang me yesterday to see if I was alright and to offer me support to feel better. It was so sweet, I have a tummy bug and she has terminal cancer, and she wanted to support me. She has a big heart. Since she is no stranger to hospitals like I am she wanted to check they had checked me thoroughly as she learnt the hard way with not addressing her niggles and then an order to go back in two days if I don’t feel better.

We talked for another hour and I felt closer to her than ever before.

I send her love everyday

McMahon-178

These words are for my friend today, but I also don’t forget the people who live in my city who came to my aid. Numerous phone calls, texts and visitors to help me yesterday were highly appreciated. I have a great support network of friends and family and I am grateful for their support this week. Not only have I been ill, but my daughter HRH decided last week she needed space so moved out to her Dads for a few weeks, this has been hard as she is playing the teenage card against me and her father. I also went running (8km, very proud) but tripped over an exposed tree root and landed flat on my side! A few scrapes and bruises. But all ok none-the-less. Returning from my run discovered I had also locked myself out of the house!! Argh…

It’s all happening for a reason

Not once have I gotten upset or angry over the last few days. I have actually remained really upbeat about it. I believe what is happening with HRH is for a reason and if she needs the space I will respect her. I have raised HRH alone for nearly 17 years. So why not let her father take it on for a while and I can be weekend mum for a change. She’ll come back when she is ready. At the moment I know she is in safe hands with her father, so I can look after myself at the moment and continue to support my friend.

On this note I will sign off with big love for my friend, big love to my daughter, big love to my friends and family and big love to anyone out there that relates to this, whether you are a fighter yourself or a supporter of a friend or family member who is fighting. xxx

Big love everyone xxx

P.S My sadhana will just have to start again when I’m better