Living the Dream – Take 2

Three months ago I declared I would go travelling in search for my new forever home, then not a post since…

Did I bail out of this adventure you wonder? I’m pleased to inform, NO I DIDN’T!!!!!

I am actually one month into my adventure and currently in Cumbria, UK. I’m watching out the window in awe this week, at the stunning scenery in a quintessential English village north of Cumbria. Spring is having its usual fight with winter to release its hold and allow summer to step into the light. This week winter is winning….every time I go to step out the door to take the dog for a walk, it’s suddenly snowing or hailing heavily. With my usual gut feeling telling me to sort out some writing so that if anyone actually reads it knows I exist, or at the very least being productive with my time until the sun fights through the snow flurries and I can consider risking an outing.

January I declared my adventure plans and wanting to find my forever home, I spent a lot of time getting my shit together, whilst maintaining my usual routines. To say things have been a bit crazy is an understatement.. Work wise I was slammed in February by a very busy teaching schedule, life as a teacher huh! This is what took me away from writing and that’s okay. I also committed myself at the beginning of the year to better nutrition and to clean eat as much as I could. I have enjoyed changing my nutritional lifestyle and in combination with bootcamp I have so far lost 4kg and gained an almighty amount of muscle. I am not only proud of myself, but also my happiness levels have gone through the roof and the year although busy, is amazing and what I felt was the perfect time to travel.

Come 27 March, goodbyes and nights out with friends now in my memory bank, I spent a long weekend with my closest family members in Auckland eating beautiful food and watching them shop up a storm in some fabulous shops we do not have in Christchurch. A wonderful weekend shared before we said our farewells and I left for London, to start my forever home adventure, wherever that may be..

With a six month plan to travel and housesit my way around UK & Europe in my mind, I was filled with the usual anxiety before leaving, constantly asking myself ‘WHAT THE F*@K AM I DOING’? But since I have been here I have been embracing it 100% and weirdly this time I feel more settled and less panicked about being here. The first week or two I had to remind myself to ‘chill out, I’m on an adventure’, especially when the fleeting thoughts of no income raced through my conscious mind. 16 years of working and receiving a constant income to raise myself and child ingrained into every portion of my mentality, is now being tested to trust in the process of this adventure and the six months ahead of me.

Now it’s unreal, even surreal to be away and fulfilling my dream. I had some challenges before I left and I’ve had a couple here already, I was going to have a rant about them, but you know they’re about people – friends, family, lovers etc, and you know what, this is my adventure and not theirs… The growth that I have experienced in the past year has been bloody tough but tremendously rewarding. I have watched peoples behaviours and my reactions to their behaviours and sometimes liked or not liked either, but I have matured through this and learnt to let some shit go. I have seriously learnt to let some shit go! I’ve learnt that some people in your life are awesome and some are shit. You decide if you want to let the shit ones go, that’s your decision. I know that these days I ain’t got time for that type of bullshit in my life. I choose to surround myself with supportive people who empower me, and I in return offer the same type of friendship.

Keep walking your dream and living the way you want to. No one else creates your own story but you, so surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you and support you, because that will raise your vibration to be a wonderful person not only to yourself, but to those who back you.

The adventure is real and I can’t believe it’s only been a month, it honestly feels like I have been here for longer (in a good way).

In the next post I am going to tell you how I came up with the idea of housesitting my way around the country and what I’ve been doing here over the month of April, not forgetting to mention what I’ve booked for May!

Big love x

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Welcome 2016 – nice to see you…finally.

With a title like that anyone would think I couldn’t wait to see the back of 2015. It’s kind of true that part of me was looking forward to a new year and today I found myself reflecting back over the year remembering the climaxes and anti-climaxes of 2015. There weren’t a lot of climaxes, unfortunately there were many challenges and that was a reminder in itself that I am survivor in this high-pressure and somewhat dysfunctional world. The peaks and troughs were immense and it was sometimes hard to be consistent inside my mind, but if I walk away from 2015 without learning a lesson or two then there is something seriously blind about my journey on this earth. I’ve had 3 majors this year that have been significant in my life and 3 I want to recognise, accept, put into my life toolbox and walk into 2016 with a fresh outlook.

A year ago I returned home from a year in the UK, ah-hem…I ran home, back to my comfort zone, because being in a new country in a normal relationship freaked the shit out of me and I fought every single minute of it to make sure it didn’t work. I was a shit and continued to be a shit back here in NZ for 2015. I made some dumb decisions and then some more that looked dumb, but underneath their dark appearance they had some healing in store for me. For example I healed a long term dysfunctional relationship with my father, it took up 9 months of 2015 and showed me that a life lived with hurtful and toxic behaviour everyday is not a ‘life well-lived’. Behaviour that will never change, a life with no love for the people closest to him. So during 9 brutal months of misery disguised as healing for us we reached common ground and parted ways with an unspoken love and new understanding that we are both free from each others hurts now. Life is full of instances that present mirror images of yourself and I recognised that same toxic behaviour and hurt was present in my life too. I acknowledge it, I accept that I am not an amazing person and although it’s not a full recovery yet, there has certainly been growth for me and I’m working on being a kinder more gentle person daily. I’m surrounding myself with good people who make me feel good about myself and I can give them love and friendship also.

I somehow try to juggle a relationship with my daughter here in NZ and Mr Darcy in the UK and that has often shown signs of stress and decay throughout the year. I have a close relationship with my daughter and a distant and fractured one with Mr Darcy. Some would ask (actually many ask) why am I still clinging onto this? They are both my best friends who know me so well, they’ve seen it all and I love them both, but I often wonder how many balls in the air should I really be trying to juggle. After all I seem to be the only one juggling these balls while they are just sitting and watching. This is the one major that is not closed in my life just yet, I’m still trying to work this one out, but it will be worked out, one way or another this year, I promise. It’s a promise I make to myself. That being said, I have learnt this year to look after me and not let others control me and my own thoughts for their personal happiness, which happened way too often in 2014 and 15. I have plans for me this year that fill my tank and it’s exciting.

Lastly was my health and wellbeing. Given the challenges I really struggled to be on top of my wellbeing. I gained 10kg in the UK and have battled to find some sort of rhythm to get myself back on track with health and fitness. My self-esteem and confidence suffered which left me down a lot of the time. Finally in October I joined a boot camp for females and have been smashing some goals in this area. I haven’t lost any weight, but I am a lot stronger and I am more confident and feeling so much better. I was even awarded the most improved boot camper for the season, which was a wonderful surprise. If anywhere I wanted to succeed this year, it was here. I’ve joined for another season and looking forward to smashing some more goals with an amazing bunch of like-minded females. Exercise is definitely proof that it is the antidote to better mental health.

So it’s been a challenging year, but there have been some hidden rewards for me to tuck into my life experience belt. Good ol’ life lessons and awareness, sometimes living life aware is a curse and it’s felt like a curse  for a long time now, but I am hopeful that 2016 will be a rewarding one.

My goals this year?

Relationships are difficult for me and I would like that to sort itself out this year with Mr Darcy, is it there or not there? I am going to put more energy into this relationship this year.

I have made some big travel plans for myself this year and they’re exciting, but they also make me nervous as I will be jumping out of that comfort zone again, but this time with a parachute, faith and prior experience.

It’s my life now and mine to take ownership of.

Under Construction

My site is under construction, actually so am I this year. After a tumultuous year in the UK, I have come back to NZ to rebuild my life here. I have bought many lessons and skills back from the UK, I have learnt a lot about myself. Not only that, I found myself back living with my father who sadly is a very broken person from his childhood. Living with this, I see the foundations of my childhood, my makeup, my reacting emotions and who I am (was), why I was like that and how I want to live my life now. I am a product of my environment, we all are. But I am aware and for me that is key to my success. I choose to be aware and I choose to walk a very difficult spiritual journey that sometimes takes me down paths most refuse to acknowledge. I come off these paths armed with lessons and a new sense of purpose and hope. Somedays I trust myself and my heart, others I get lost and feel I have abandoned myself. But at the end of each day, I know that I am here for me, I’ve signed onto this and I am committed to myself.

By doing this I learn to love more, I learn humility, I learn forgiveness and to let go.

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under_construction

Words for a Beautiful Friend

The last few days have been a bit rough on me. My daily kriya and yoga practice had to take a sideline (there went my 60 day sadhana) as I came down quite ill. The pain was excruciating on my right side and I suspected my gallbladder was not happy chappy. As I have a high pain threshold and wasn’t sure really what the pain level was and being one not to self diagnose I became concerned, so at 5.30am yesterday I got myself in order to head to the after hours hospital. Thankfully it was empty in the waiting room and I was taken immediately by nurses who pampered and prodded me. I was shocked to be given morphine for the pain, not being a sickly person it was my first time and it seemed rather extreme. But it sure did help! Waited for the ultrasound at 8am and then a diagnosis from the doctor. My internal organs were completely clear of anything so at 11am we (mum) left and the diagnosis was a tummy bug with bowel spasms. So home to bed and man did I want to sleep.

There’s another reason why I attend to these niggles these days. Yes the big scary ‘C’ word that is becoming more and more common in our world. One of my closest friends ignored her niggles for a year and then she was diagnosed in March 2012. She is 35, one year younger than me. She lives in Australia and I have been visiting her twice a year. She has a gorgeous wee daughter who is nearly 2 years old and she married her partner of 4 years at Christmas time, for which I was maid of honour. It was so beautiful, everything encapsulated their love that day.

Wedding Pic

Yes that’s me with the dreamy ‘I’m so happy for you’ look on my face.

Often I put myself in her shoes and the fight she has had to undertake, the decisions she has had to make, the fear she has to face. It breaks my heart and I wonder if I was faced with this would I cope as well as her. I am sure a lot of the time she doesn’t cope and she has an awful lot on her mind. My last trip to see her was really hard, cancer was not just sucking the life out of her, but also out of her family, there was darkness surrounding the home and I felt it take me in and when I left to head home I felt really depressed and mixed up. It took me some time to get my thoughts and feelings back together.

Everyday I send her love and hope. I send strength to her family.

In the year she has been diagnosed she has had her dream wedding, had a family holiday with extended family, had a beautiful honeymoon in the Whitsundays and they are now building a new home so her daughter can live a quality life. I am so proud of her and her courage on this battle to not only try to save her life, but to live her life to the fullest and to love her family with all her heart.

My friend is losing her battle 😦 She has been given a very small time frame now. I was told last week. Two of our friends are heading over tomorrow to see her for five days. I am looking for flights and some time off to go as well. I have been speaking with her on the phone and we have a strong friendship because we are past the “be strong, keep fighting”, “you’ll win” talks. She has stopped her chemo and she is breaking down, so our talks are very frank and she tells me appreciates this, because she lives a real life and what is happening to her is real. I live life real as well, I am honest.

So we talk about love, we talk about death, we talk about her thoughts on the other side, we talk about her partner grieving and her daughter growing up without her mum, we talk about the videos and books she is currently making her daughter and we talk about her husband having a future partner one day. We even talked about her funeral which was a really hard conversation.

I am going to miss her so much

Why did I choose to write about her? Because she rang me yesterday to see if I was alright and to offer me support to feel better. It was so sweet, I have a tummy bug and she has terminal cancer, and she wanted to support me. She has a big heart. Since she is no stranger to hospitals like I am she wanted to check they had checked me thoroughly as she learnt the hard way with not addressing her niggles and then an order to go back in two days if I don’t feel better.

We talked for another hour and I felt closer to her than ever before.

I send her love everyday

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These words are for my friend today, but I also don’t forget the people who live in my city who came to my aid. Numerous phone calls, texts and visitors to help me yesterday were highly appreciated. I have a great support network of friends and family and I am grateful for their support this week. Not only have I been ill, but my daughter HRH decided last week she needed space so moved out to her Dads for a few weeks, this has been hard as she is playing the teenage card against me and her father. I also went running (8km, very proud) but tripped over an exposed tree root and landed flat on my side! A few scrapes and bruises. But all ok none-the-less. Returning from my run discovered I had also locked myself out of the house!! Argh…

It’s all happening for a reason

Not once have I gotten upset or angry over the last few days. I have actually remained really upbeat about it. I believe what is happening with HRH is for a reason and if she needs the space I will respect her. I have raised HRH alone for nearly 17 years. So why not let her father take it on for a while and I can be weekend mum for a change. She’ll come back when she is ready. At the moment I know she is in safe hands with her father, so I can look after myself at the moment and continue to support my friend.

On this note I will sign off with big love for my friend, big love to my daughter, big love to my friends and family and big love to anyone out there that relates to this, whether you are a fighter yourself or a supporter of a friend or family member who is fighting. xxx

Big love everyone xxx

P.S My sadhana will just have to start again when I’m better